Thursday, March 22, 2012

Confess Sesh: My brain is a Big Roller-Coaster.

I just want the thinking to stop.  Is there an on/off switch somewhere in my brain?

This has been the only thing on my mind lately but I’ve been having a difficult time putting it into words.  I don’t want it to sound like a venting session.  I don’t want it to sound like I’m complaining.  And I certainly don’t want it to sound like I’m an ungrateful person (the B word). 

Where to start, where to start…

I guess I’ll start with this so-called ‘me’ time that everyone talks about.  ‘Me’ time?  What is that?  Haha!  I understand that I’m a mother and this ‘me’ time is put on the back burner.  The Mister’s work schedule is all over the place.  If he’s not working on land then he’s working out on the ocean.  I’ve come to terms with this and decided to create my own ‘me’ time.  If I can’t get out for a couple of hours by myself then I’ll just have to make do with what I have.  I got into crafting and I even got my sewing machine out that’s been sitting in the box forever.  I even got the Radicals into crafting!  Awesome, so what’s the issue now?

More thinking…I can’t pinpoint when or how this came about but I was thinking how the Radicals don’t get out and socialize ever.  We have no friends or family here.  I posted my goals in January and making friends was one of them.  To be honest, I am discouraged because the people I come across are not welcoming at all.  It’s either they’re not welcoming or they look at me like I’m crazy.  Akward. 

And then I think that maybe the issue is me.  When did I become so anti-social?  Or when I do have the opportunity to socialize, I’m like a deer in headlights.  I don’t know but this is really killing me; for the Radicals sake.  It’s always just the 3 of us.  I feel like I’m the one holding them back from socializing.  I feel like I’m supposed to push aside my issues.  But what am I supposed to do?  I can’t force people to be friends with us.  I can’t force people to talk to me.  I suppose I can get past feeling discouraged and keep searching.  Would that be stalker-ish? 

Anyway, I was on FB a couple of weeks ago and one of my friends started a mom group in Kona and my heart sank.  I want to be a part of a mom group and I want the Radicals to have friends but Kona is 2.5 hours away.  But then I got to thinking that I should search for mom groups where I live.  Nada, nothing, zilch. 

On to more thinking.  If only….if only we moved home, I wouldn’t have these issues.  The Radicals would be surrounded by family and friends and I wouldn’t feel guilty of holding them back on socializing.  If only we were home, I would have some adult interaction.  I need adult interaction because in all honesty, most times I feel lonely.  Don’t get me wrong, I love to hang out with my Radicals but some adult interaction would save my sanity be nice. 

You know, I was doing fine with my thoughts until the Mister brought up a job he might have in Kona.  He thought I’d be excited because we would be there for the week but when I told him that if we were to go we wouldn’t be coming back, it was all downhill from there.  He’s thinking temporary and I’m thinking permanent. 

The root of all this thinking is this: I want to go home. 

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And the fact that the Mister walks away when I this conversation comes up, frustrates me.  Remember this post?  Maybe I had my chance and since I didn’t take it, it’s too late. 

The only person who has a life here is the Mister.  What could possibly be so important here that he’s not willing to take a chance? 

Up until now, I was able to keep these feelings bottled up and deal with it.  Now I’m back to square one.  I know I can change my way of thinking and how I look at things but after a lot of discouragement, it’s hard to pick myself back up.  And just to throw in another tidbit; it doesn’t help my mood when I get calls from family or friends saying they’re going to do this or that and if only we lived in Kona we would be a part of it.  Thanks guys…I was being sarcastic if you didn’t catch it. 

Is it horrible that I want my Radicals to grow up surrounded by family and friends?  Is it so horrible that I want to be happy too?  Has anybody else gone through this?  Is it just me and I think too much? 

And before y’all think that I’m a bitter old hag who does nothing but complain, I’m not.  For the most part, we’re okay.  It’s just that sometimes (like now) I get overwhelmed with my thinking. 

Then I turn to Him and pray for understanding.  I’m not as strong in my Faith as I’d like to be but I do believe that this is His way of telling me that it’s not time yet and to be patient.  His way of teaching me to open my heart to others instead of having my guard up all the time.  Like maybe these people are welcoming but I’m too busy anticipating the worst and judging them.  And then I’m okay. 

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Whew, sorry for the roller coaster ride.  Have a grand day!

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