Sunday, March 12, 2017

A life, re-arranged.

It’s been a little over a year but yet sometimes it’s hard to process…to do…to deal with.

It’s been hard to put into words because I don’t want to sound like I’m whining or wanting people to feel sorry for me.  Because I’m not whining and I don’t want you to feel sorry for me.  To be quite honest, at first I wasn’t sure why I decided to put this out in the open but as I pondered my intention it became clear that I’m sharing because this can be lonely.  As a parent, you feel like nobody understands and everybody has something to say, which most times is negative.  You feel alone.  I want other mamas/parents to know that you’re not.

I’ve learned so much over the past 14 months and even though I’m pushed to the brink of insanity on a daily basis, this has had my eyes wide open.  It has been quite the journey and learning experience and I must say that I do see light at the end of the tunnel.

Y’all must be asking “wtf is she talking about?”  So I’ll just rewind to 4 years ago
and start from when the portals started to open but I was desperately trying to close them.  And keep them closed.

Radical #2 loved his pediatrician.  I never dreaded any doctor visits.  I didn’t over-analyze how the doctor moved to another building and had a completely new staff.  Radical #2’s name is called and we walk to the nurse’s station.  As soon as she comes to take his temperature he goes into a full-blown tantrum.  He went from a sweet little boy to demon child in 0.2 seconds.  The rest of the appointment was a complete nightmare – kicking and screaming, holding demon child down as if we’re about to perform an exorcism.  Radical #1 looked terrified and did I mention I was 6 months pregnant?

After his exorcism check-up, the doctor drops the bomb on me.  The doctor, ever so kindly, says that he’s referring me to a therapist to rule out the A-word, also known as Autism.  He goes on with how concerned he is with Radical #2’s behavior today and blah, blah, blah.  As if I wasn’t flustered enough? 

I was having hot flashes as I loaded the Radicals into the car and I just let it out.  I started to cry.  I wasn’t sure if it was my pregnancy hormones making me super emotional or if I was frustrated because my damn child is 3 and isn’t this normal 3-year-old behavior?  But then again, I ain’t no doctor so what the heck do I know. 

I blew his list of therapists off and went on with life.  I did however have the “let’s rule out the A-word” constantly lingering and found myself noticing Radical #2’s behavior.  But still, I’d push it aside and tell myself that we’d get through this.  It’s just a phase.  If I just buckle down and stop letting him get his way all the time, this too shall pass.  But for fuck’s sake I couldn’t take the screaming anymore and gave in to his demon behavior.  And also, I didn’t need the crazy neighbor next door calling CPS on me again.

10 months later we move thinking that if we’re closer to friends and family and we’d get out more things will change. His behavior was the same; sometimes worse.

With Radical #1 in school & Radical #3 in daycare I figured why not give this therapy a try.  We have nothing to lose.  I did learn, however, that I was a horrible mother and how I needed to follow through with consequences and spend more time with my children.  Okay, that’s not what she said but I did everything she told me to and everything was the same so after a while I dreaded going to therapy.  I just didn’t see the point anymore.  We succeeded in his sessions so now what?  We just keep doing this just to do it?  There was no progression, no back-up plan, no ‘what if this happens’ so we stopped going. 

I enrolled him in pre-school.  He did great.  There were no reports of demon-like behavior except once but that was only once.  No biggie; we’re in the clear.

Fast forward to Kinder Camp (a day long orientation for the newbies).  He’s restless during the assembly.  There was a portion during the day when the children had to go to their new class and the parents had to stay back to listen to more speeches. 

And alas, the demon-child has returned. 

The first half of his kindergarten life was an emotional roller-coaster.  I will admit that I was flabbergasted at his behavior because he did so great in pre-school.  I would get calls saying that security had to chase him down and hold him down because he was kicking, screaming, biting, etc.  I felt like he was a completely different child.  We had a meeting that consisted of his teacher (who I think is the best teacher ever), counselors, and other staff members.  They went on about his behavior, asked about his upbringing, and how we can work as a team to help him.  They put him on a 504 Plan and recommended the SEBD (Support for Emotional & Behavioral Development) program.  In the following weeks, DHS (Dept. of Human Services) and the school did their evaluations and there were more meetings. 

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.  The previously said portals have been opened and this time there was no keeping them closed.  Insert another emotional roller-coaster ride.  This time I was focusing on myself; how I really was a horrible mother.  Why did I blind myself from this?  Why couldn’t I be more consistent with consequences?  Why did I let judgements of others and myself get in the way of seeing what was really happening?  Why?  Why was I so worried what other people would think?  Why did I focus on assuming that others were thinking that he’s just a little brat?  How the hell does a child become like this? 

I fell into a slump. And then I became angry and used the past to point the blame for all this nonsense.  The past, as in we lived in the boondocks and had no social life; we lived next to a crazy person and was afraid to go outside.  If the Husband had just listened, we wouldn’t be in this mess so therefore this is all his fault.

I was assigned a case worker and a therapist.  I was still full of anger and still beating myself up.  The first day I met with the therapist she told me what he was diagnosed with…ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), PTSD, and ADHD.  I did an eye-roll so huge that I thought my eyeballs were going to pop out of my sockets.  I had so many emotions that I couldn’t keep up with.  I turned to anger and snapped at her how it seems as though doctors nowadays are so quick to diagnose children with ADHD.  But deep down I was ashamed because I felt as though I did this to him.  I created this chaos because I couldn’t handle the screaming and always gave in.  And then came the tears. 

The school completed their evaluations.  Everything was the same, as I expected, except for “he shows A-word like behavior.”  So because he prances on his tip toes and smells his food, that equals to the A-word?  And although the school cannot diagnose anybody, they still said it.  I will be honest and say that I was angry and confused because I, in that moment, became judgmental and ignorant.  I based my feelings and opinions on what I heard from others what the A-word was and I’ve been avoiding this word since he was 3 years old.  The truth was that I had no idea.  I had no idea how big the spectrum is.

This was unchartered territory. 

We were referred to LD & ADHD Center of HI which consisted of a 2-day testing.  I received his 28-page test results, which by the way will make anyone go crazy, and I was still confused.  For the life of me, I couldn’t see it.  I mean, of course he’s not going to be outgoing because he doesn’t know you.  After I got over my confusion I decided that the bottom line was to take the resources offered to help him.  Teaching myself to broaden my horizon so I can help him without losing my shit.  Don’t get me wrong, I lose my shit daily but knowing how to react makes some days easier than others.  I had another school meeting where we created his IEP (Individualized Education Program).

It took a while but I’m no longer focusing on what he’s diagnosed with, but rather how I’ll help him to navigate the world and be the best version of himself.  That’s what’s important.  You know that saying “don’t judge someone until you’ve walked in their shoes?”  I really take that to heart because if you haven’t then you don’t really know. 

I get the “oh, if my kids ever acted like that, they’d get slaps!” or “he just needs a good spanking!”  After all this, I feel like there’s a fine line between ‘not able to connect the dots fast enough acting out’ and just being a little shit because you feel like it (this was me when I was his age!).  The line is so fine that it becomes grouped into one and I feel that’s where the ignorance starts.  I’m not here to start a debate.  All I’m saying is that after going through all of this, this is how I view it.  I’m no expert but my eyes are wide open. 

He’s academically smart but can’t grasp and change gears as quickly as his peers when it comes to his emotions or social situations.  He can talk your ear off but only if he feels safe around you.  He’s a great artist that uses his drawings to communicate his feelings when he has difficulty using his words.  He’s unique in his own way but seems odd to people who don’t know him.  He is who he is and I’m doing what’s best for him to help him be his best, without expectations. 

He is making progress for sure but every day is different.  One day, I see the light beaming so brightly it’s blinding; the next day that same light is a faint glow.  The same goes for me - some days I hold it together and other days I lose my shit and every other word out of my mouth starts with F.  I’m now aware that “winging it” won’t work.  It takes pre-teaching, reminding, making sure I have back-ups, making sure to stay as close to the routine as possible.  It’s exhausting but I’m taking it one day at a time.

This is my our life, re-arranged.


Monday, August 29, 2016

Social Media: A Love/Hate Relationship

I hate you but I also love you.

On good days, I get inspiration and motivation.  I feel great as a person, a mother, and a wife.  It’s a glorious day.  I get little resistance from the Radicals to get up, get ready, and be out the door on time.  I come home and work, do some laundry, and start my beef roast.  Hey, I even get all domestic and snip some rosemary from my garden to throw in the slow cooker.  I get more work done until it’s time to pack up the Radicals karate stuff and tidy up the house.  I pick them up and off to practice we go.  Radical 1 & 2 do their karate thing while I keep Radical 3 busy for an hour.  Practice is done, I load them up in the car, and we’re off.  The drive home is good.  Little bickering, story-telling, and laughter.  Once home, they ride their bikes for a ½ hour while I finish up dinner.  They come in and do their homework and then bathe.  We eat dinner while they share about their day.  There’s some TV watching until it’s time for bed.  Lights out.  Sweet dreams, my darlings.

On those days, I feel like a great mom.  Days like these gets my momentum going.  I have all these plans and all will be well.  With butterflies and rainbows.  And sometimes on these days, I’m doomed to become too inspired and motivated from the wrong posts and become unrealistic. 

People who portray butterflies and rainbows all the time are fucking liars.  Shit is bound to happen.  You wake up on the wrong side of the bed.  There may be too much things going on that sends you into a rage or, in my case, a meltdown.  People are dicks.  And then I become unmotivated and good for nothing.

On bad days, I compare myself to everyone.  Lately, because my clothes are a bit snug, I compare myself to the ‘you might as well be naked’ posts.  You know the ones…all you see are boobs and ass.  Then my thinking becomes erratic and goes something like this:

I wish I had a boob job then my body will be more proportioned; never mind eff that because if God wanted me to have boobs he would’ve given me boobs; who needs boobs anyway; I know, I’ll start exercising tomorrow and then I’ll go on a diet; the word diet makes me feel suffocated like I can’t eat crap food ever again; no I won’t diet, I’ll eat better; I better do it quick before the Hubs leaves me for eye candy; but if he loves me then he’ll love me with love handles and all; but I feel so sluggish and my clothes don’t fit; okay I’ll start exercising and eating better tomorrow; why can’t I just love myself; eff you guys…I ain’t got nobody to impress. 
Then I turn to the Hubs and ask “honey, will you still love me if I get a lot of cellulite and start growing a fupa?”  And then I wallow in my ridiculousness and eat all the candy while watching Charmed until 1am which is not a good idea because I’m supposed to start exercising tomorrow, err, today.

The I start to compare myself to other moms.  Ah, again we come back to the posts about portraying butterflies and rainbows!  The ones (plural because that’s where little Mary Goodness is smiling that little cute smile in her dazzling princess dress while the caption reads something that makes me want to gag because she’s always so perfect.  So much so that I must really suck at being a mom.  

Let me be clear – I’m all for parents posting about their sweet, sweet child(ren) but all the time?  Do they do no wrong?  Do you not ever lose your shit?  Ever?  Does your sweet child ever morph into demon child like mine?  I may post cute pictures of the Radicals but the caption never reads perfect and even if sounds perfect just keep reading until you get to the hashtags.  BOOM.  Real, raw, honest.

Or the ones where the mom is always put together.  Shoot, I claim victory if my teeth hair is brushed. I barely have the motivation to take a shower.  I have to argue with myself why cleanliness is important. 

Food, snacks, and lunches.  This in itself doesn’t bother me.  What makes me crazy is the PB&J turned into a cute bear or apples and peanut butter turned into a snail.  It’s cute and all but I don’t have the time which, in my wonky thoughts, translates into get off your ass and make the time you crappy mom.  Sometimes I have to remind myself to make dinner or else CPS may come knocking at my door.  We’ve been acquainted so you can stop cringing now. 

I still have no freaking idea what I’m doing.  They know that I love them without having to transform a snack into a Power Ranger.  The Radicals are alive and that has to count for something right?  A great mind once told me “the fact that you’re even questioning if you’re a great mother makes you a great mother” and as creepy and messed-up as that sounds, I find comfort in that.

Am I the only one who thinks like this?

I could go on and on but I’ll spare your eyeballs.  I hate social media when I’m on the crazy train.  I love it when I’m either not or just boarding the damn train.

I find balance, most times.


P.S. It’s good to be back.  Stay tuned for more… 

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Hi, I'm Baaack!!

Well hello, Lovelies!  It’s been a long, long time since I’ve posted but eh, what’s new right?  Right.  So, I don’t really feel like blasting y’all with a year’s worth of stuff in one post and I’m sure your eyeballs don’t want to be blasted either so in my (millionth) attempt to not let my blog go dry, I’m going to start off Ten for Tuesday.  Wow, that was a long run-on sentence…hopefully the grammar-nazis don’t’ come to gong me.  Here it goes, the top ten things I’m sharing before I go missing again.  #funnynotfunny

1.    It’s been a year since I last posted.  It’s been so long that I forgot how to log into Blogger.  It took me awhile, but I finally got it.
2.    I think I finally convinced The Hubs to get me a laptop for my birthday. I was kinda dramatic with my reasons but I think he bought it.  Even though I’m still ancient with my desktop, I would post more if I had a laptop.  Just saying. 
3.    Can I just say that the older your child(ren) get, the more radical they become.  Or is that just my children?  Radical #1 with his “but mom” or “but mom that’s not fair” or “but mom blah blah, the dinosaur ate my homework and so and so teased me so I forgot my snacks and I can’t focus because the chickens are calling me out to play so it’s the chickens fault?!!?”  Seriously?  I won’t even get into the start of Radical #2’s school year.  And let’s just say that Radical #3 is soaking all of this in and plotting his attack against Mom in the near future.  I think we should all collaborate and write a book and title it “What to REALLY expect for as long as you shall live once you become a mom.”  Best seller right there…

4.    Date nights are awesome.  The end.

5.    The weather.  Rain is great and all but holy guacamole has it been raining.  A lot.  Flash flood every other day.  And why do people become speed racers when it’s raining?  Safety first people.
6.    I went swimming for the first time in 7 years.  Like actual head-under-the-water-swim-like-a-fish kind of swimming.  It was awesome.

7.    Ironman is coming up…ugh.  You know, I have nothing against triathlons and people who want to compete in them but I do have an issue with inconsiderate idiots who think they’re invincible.  Do y’all have to train in the middle of town during traffic?  And if you do, can you follow directions?  I have wheels; you have wheels.  We both have wheels so I think the rules apply to you too.  It’s just like me overtaking a car on the right who’s turning right.  Welcome, triathletes.
8.    I got a new phone and it sucks!  So, here’s to round #2 of phone hunting.  Do you ever wonder how we survived without cellphones + technology?
9.    Anyone want to share creative ways to remember to drink water?  I’m all ears.  I’m achy and sluggish and my headaches are back.  I’m pretty sure there’s more to it than needing to drink more water – like eating – but baby steps first.
10.  Although we are still in September, I’m super excited about the cookie exchange the BFF & I are doing this year.  I got weird looks from the hubs but whatever, I’m excited!  Who doesn’t love baking and sharing and drinking and a little competitiveness?

Well, there you have it.  I will admit that it took a while to write this post.  It was also hard to contain my ramblings into one post.  I will back though.  Until then, Happy Tuesday!   


Monday, September 22, 2014

Hello Monday!

Hiii Lovelies!  I’m linking up today with this lovely lady for Hello Monday!

I’m saying hello to…

…a busy week.  Although it will be busy it will also be great.

…a break from allergy shots.  Hallelujah!  It’s hard to predict Radical #2’s moods every week.  One week he’s all for it and the next I’m bribing him with a “surprise” just so he’d sit still.  I’m praying that these shots work and he’ll be able to at least tolerate dairy.

…le blog.  I know I always go MIA but quality is way better than quantity right?  I have lots to say, I really do.  If I could quiet the voices in my head then I could focus.  I know that sounds creepy…they’re not really voices though.  Promise.  And speaking of le blog, it really needs a facelift and update.  Saying it would put me one step closer to actually doing it.

…Day 7 of our #operationgetoffyourass challenge.  You can follow along on IG (@thejenndiaries) amongst my other shenanigans.

…another island tomorrow.  My allergy-baby and I are getting up before the crack of dawn and hopping on a propeller plane (eek!) to do a milk challenge.  Sometimes living on an island sucks.  Pray for me I don’t have a really bad panic attack.  Better yet, pray for the pilot and other passengers.

…making wiser choices in the food department.  I blame Aunt Flo who seems to throw me off the path just when I’m starting to make progress.  Damn you Aunt Flo.

…this Radical who will be my right-hand man Wednesday through Friday. 

DATE NIGHT.  In BIG bold letters because I am that excited!  One of the perks of moving home is having a babysitter while the Hubs and I spend some much needed alone time together. 

Tell me what you’re saying hello to!

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Thursday Randoms

Happy Thursday!  It’s been an interestingly bizarre week so here’s some randoms for y’all.

…I think there’s a slipper monster lingering in the bush outside my house.  Radical #2 is always missing a side.  I’m getting tired of buying new slippers.  Would I be horrible for making him wear mismatched pairs?  It’ll be the same as allowing him to rock the Spiderman costume to the grocery.

…I’ve created a monster.  Radical #2 insists on having a tall apple juice, not an apple juice box from Starbucks because he pretends it’s his caramel macchiato.

…I’m in the market for a new hat to use during my “I don’t feel like brushing my hair” days.  And also my know-it-all-observant cousin hates the hat that I’m currently sporting.

… I was wondering why the font on my posts was different and my brain’s light bulb finally turned on…look at the font box Jenn!  What does it say?  Sometimes I can be such an idiot.

…Radical #2 asked for a trumpet fish.  Um…any idea where I can find a trumpet fish?

…I seriously need to think before I speak and practice what I preach with the Radicals.  When I hear filth coming from the Radicals mouths I’m quick to tell them “you like me slap your mouth?”  I constantly have a potty mouth (I’m working on it!) and one day Radical #1 tells me “eh, you like me slap your mouth?!” 

 …I feel like I’m about to be swallowed by the papers and boxes in my office.  Or as the Mister calls it “the rubble” in the office.  I can’t think when chaos is around me.  I should be organizing but since it’s so overwhelming, I’ll just sit here and blog.  Very productive Jenn, very productive.

…Mom of the year over here!  Pizza for breakfast, snack, and lunch just so I can get rid of the evidence before the Mister gets home.  I lied when he checked in with us last night and told him the Radicals wanted saimin.

…Is it weird that I’m excited for the Super Bowl even though I don’t watch the darn sport?  What I am excited about is making Super Bowl food.  That’s not weird right?

…Children are so honest and innocent and sometimes the things they say are hilarious.  Radical #2 was asked if he goes to school.  His reply was “not yet, my mom said I have to wipe my butt 7 more times.

The End.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Lessons Learned #1: Just get it done

What a great time to share this with you since I just posted my goals for 2014.  On the list was to plan ahead and get’r done.  And remember how I said that I’ve fallen off of the wagon a few times?  Well, this particular situation was one of those times.

I’m not too on it when it comes to safety checks and current registrations.  I mean, those darn stickers are on the back of my car and it’s not a habit of mine to constantly check it.  Maybe if those stickers were on my dashboard in clear sight then maybe I might see that they are expired. 

Anyway, I have this cousin who observes everything and will not stop bugging me until I do something about it.

I don’t mean to stress you out more but did you set a date and location for Radical #3’s party?

(The whole month of October including the day of Halloween) “Are you going to get the kids’ Halloween costumes?

Your safety check is expired.

Your safety check is expired.

Your safety check is expired.

Ugh geez, I hear you!  So we’re driving around one day and I see a sign that says Safety Checks; No Appointment Needed.  How convenient and just what I’m looking for.  I annoyingly turn into the convenient-no-appointment-needed establishment and write my name on the waiting list.  We wait for what seemed like an eternity just for the lady to tell me that I didn’t pass because my license plate bulb was out. 

What?!?  My license plate has a bulb?

She goes on to tell me that I have 30 days to fix it and if I go over the 30 days I’ll have to pay for another safety check.

A week goes by and the observant cousin asks “did you get the bulb for your license plate?”  “No, the Mister said he’s going to use the one on his truck.” I answered.

Did the Mister change your bulb on your license plate?” asked the observant cousin, 2 weeks later.  “No, I’m just going to get my own.” I responded.  “Well, you should check the expiration date on your paper or else you’ll have to pay another $25.00.” replied the cousin.

I check the date of when my inspection was done.  12/06/2013. 

Did you get the bulb?” he asked, a week later.

It was now January 3rd, a day already jammed packed with things to do.  And it was a Friday which meant I also had my grandmother to shuttle around.  Oh and, it was still Winter Break and I had 2 Radicals tagging along.  The bulb is bought and changed, ready to go but chaos fell upon me and I didn’t make it to the inspection.  I held my composure and told myself that the date says 12/06/13 so I have until Monday 01/06/2014.  Monday comes around and I roll up convinced that I’ll pass my inspection.  I write my name on the waiting list and wait.  And wait.  And wait some more.  I finally hear my name being called.  I give the lady my papers and hand over my keys.  She looks at my papers, then at me and says “this is expired.  You had 30 days; not 31 days.

I was speechless at first and then became very frustrated because 1) I waited with 2 wild banshees all that time for nothing and 2) I was willing to pay the $25 but forgot they only took cash and I was $3 short.  I drove away wanting to bash the lady’s head in.  I pulled into a parking lot and called my cousin screaming at him about how I was ONE day too late and $3 short on cash.

After my vent session, I quickly realized that I am the only one to blame.  I can’t blame the lady and I can’t blame what happened the Friday prior.  That was my consequence for waiting until the very last minute.  Had I done what was supposed to be done, I wouldn’t be telling you this story and I wouldn’t have to shell out another $25.

Lessons learned…lessons learned.

Tuesday, January 14, 2014

2014 Goals

Hello party people!  I know we’re in the 3rd week of January but this post is has been difficult for me to write.  My inner critic would come out during every attempt and remind me of my failures as a person and a parent, my on-going “to do” lists that has no check marks, and all the excuses as to why I didn’t get things done in a timely manner because of my big mouth and over-commitments.  And then I’d get all miserable and click on the big ol’ X.  But today I’m grabbing this bull by the balls horns and facing reality.

So my first goal is to be realistic.  I don’t have super powers.  There are 24 hours in a day, not 48 like I’ve been trying to convince myself in the past.  I need to remember that it’s okay to say “no” to things that don’t fit into my schedule rather than saying “yes” which usually sent me into a frenzied panic because I forgot that there are only 24 hours in a day.

Be MENTALLY present; the keyword being mentally.  It annoys me when I’m talking to someone and all they do is nod and say “uh-huh.”  I know they’re not really listening.  If I get annoyed I can only imagine how the Radicals and my loved ones feel.  This one goes with being realistic because I’m totally guilty of doing this to the Radicals when I’m in a time crunch. 

Plan ahead and get’r done.  With everything.  Everything?  Yes, everything.  If you’re like me, we wait until the very last minute to do things.  And because of this all hell breaks loose when go-time comes around.

But I’m not just talking about parties; I’m also talking about everyday tasks.  The funny thing is my reaction to it all.  I react as if my everyday tasks are something new.  I know Monday-Friday we have to be out the door by 6:45am.  I also know that Radical #1’s backpack and Radical #3’s daycare bag need to come with.  Do I prep the night before?  No and because I’m too busy prepping bags the morning of, I fail to wake the Radicals in a timely fashion and then they get the wrath because they’re not moving fast enough.  Do I like being the crazy banshee first thing in the morning yelling “put some gas in your ass!” or threatening “if you don’t hurry it up you’re walking to school!”  No.  Shoot, it ain’t their problem that I decided to wait until the last moment to do things.  I also realize that I’m the most horrible parent in the world for yelling “put some gas in your ass!” to my children.  I’m working on that.

Patience.  With everything we’ve been through last year, I’ve had zero patience for anything.  This year I’m striving for the patience to listen.  Stop and listen to what the Radicals are telling me whether it be a story, how their day went, or their endless questions about everything.  There was too much of “shhh,” “later,” or “hold on.”  There was no taking time to hear the excitement and joy as they would tell me something.  The patience to teach.  When the Radicals made a mistake, made a mess, or did something that wasn’t too my liking I was quick to yell and transform into Ugly Mom.  I was quick to say that they should know better.  But should they really know better?  No, because I should know better that they are just children.  Children don’t come out of the womb knowing how crack an egg without getting shells into the cake batter.  The patience to play and be in the moment.  I was so caught up with cleaning the house, doing the laundry, trying to check-off my “to do” list, and being angry and bitter with things that the Radicals had nothing to do with, I wasted precious time by “shooing” the Radicals away.  I want them to have happy memories, not memories of how cleaning, laundry, and the other nonsense came as priority.

Let it go.  Sometimes Most times I dwell on the judgments against me.  And most times they are ridiculous judgments and I allow them to eat at me.  I tell myself “if I change this or if I do that…” and then I get lost in an absurd conversation with myself.  Let it go.  I am who I am.  The 2nd thing to let go is negativity.  Negativity that creeps in and rains on my parade.  Normal people would be all “I’m sorry to hear that.”  Me?  I take it on as if it was my own problem and try to fix everything.  And then I get all irate because I can’t fix everything.  And the final thing to let go are things that don’t matter.  For example, the driver who threw his hands up at me because I was letting him go but since he was too busy road raging he couldn’t see me telling him to go and when he finally figured it out he was still all “WTH!?!”  Then I was all road raging “pay attention butt-munch!” When senseless things happen, I seriously need to let it go instead of wasting my time dwelling on it.

So there it is; my goals for 2014.  I’ve been working on it and I have to say life isn’t so tense.  And I ain’t going to lie, I’ve fallen off the wagon a few times but hey, I’m human.  Life isn’t always just butterflies and rainbows.  In those times I try to remember to breathe or sometimes I vent to myself (or others) just to let it out so I can move forward.

I hope y’all have a Happy Tuesday.  I’m off to do “Special Time” with Radical #2. 

Peace out!