Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Am I doomed?

To be the only person on this Earth who will not get married?  It was never an issue before and if I remember correctly, I would always say that I’d never get married.  When people would ask me why, I’d be a smart-ass and say “because I like having one foot out the door”.  Well Jenn, now you can take that foot and eat it!  Great, I put myself in this position huh? 

Its funny how in 5 months, my thinking changed.  In my very first post I said I was fine with the whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing but in all honesty, I don’t feel that way anymore.  Now that I’ve/we’ve grown I have a change of heart and it’s something that’s constantly on my mind. 

All sorts of unpleasant things run through my mind when he says we don’t need to get married.  Questions like “am I not the person for him?” or “does he have plans on leaving me for a younger, beautiful female?” or “what am I doing wrong?” 

He tells me I’m crazy, to stop thinking that way, and that people get married only to get divorced.  What?  That doesn’t even make sense. He goes on and on about all these couples (friends of ours) who get married then divorced.  He has a whole list of couples and when I think of another couple he’s all “they’re having problems and are about to get divorced.”  Always an answer for everything huh?

He says marriage only ruins things and why fix something (our relationship) when it’s not broken?  That doesn’t make sense either.  He thinks that I’ll leave him once we get married.  Wait a minute, I’m the one who wants to get married and when it finally happens, I’m going to leave you?  Okay, that totally does not make sense. 

He says people in the relationship change when they’re married.  Like how?  An alien will take over my body once we tie the knot?  We’re coming up on being together for 8 years.  8 years.  I think after 8 years I’d have a hard time changing.  We’ve been to the doors of hell and back.  What could possibly come our way that we couldn’t overcome?  I’ve given my all, my whole heart, I’ve put up with crap that most people would walk away from, I know that a relationship is a two-way street.  I feel like I’ve proved myself to handle whatever bumps we encounter.  I don’t know.  Maybe we need to actually go into hell. 

Another thing he says is “we’re common law already and marriage is just a piece of paper.”  I don’t do common law.  I don’t like it when people call him my husband because it’s “common law”.  I don’t like it when my parents introduce him as their “son in-law”.  Don’t call him something he’s not.  It’s just another one of my weird things. 

Oh, I give up.  I’m done talking about this subject.  I don’t want to force him into it; what fun would that be?  It is what it is and I’ll have to accept it. 

The End.

PS.  Even though I’m done talking about this, feedback from you married folk would be nice.  You know, just to broaden my horizon.  I feel that I may be looking at this the wrong way.  Thank you.


Anonymous said...

Personally, I think you have every right to feel the way that you do. Especially after 8 years of being together. I have a few friends (one of them being my very best friend), who is also in the same situation as you (they've been together 7 years and have a child together). Her boyfriend has the same views as yours .. when it comes to marriage. His viewpoint stems from watching marriages crumble around him. His parents, his other family members, his friends, etc. Perhaps that's why your boyfriend feels the same?

I wouldn't force him into it, but I would maybe have a casual and friendly talk .. no pressure .. about how this makes YOU feel. Maybe explain that you get his viewpoint and why he may feel this way .. but at the same time, you want him to understand yours. That it makes you feel unwanted, or unworthy, etc.

Erin Tagle said...

Oh dear. :(

I was single for 29.5 years. I dated dudes who told me marriage wasn't in the cards.

Then I met my husband. From about 3 months on, he told me I was the one. We got married 3.5 years later and have been married for 2.5 years.

Marriage is fun. It's fulfilling. It's awesome to have a constant companion ... AS LONG AS THEY FEEL THE SAME WAY THAT YOU DO.

Don't get me wrong, my hubs makes me angry on occasion and nobody's perfect, but now that we're married with a toddler, I couldn't imagine life any other way.

I'm sad that your man has such a foul take on marriage. :(

pililani81 said...

I know exactly how you feel. I left my daughters dad because he refused to marry me. Theres other reasons too, but that was one. We were together 7 years. I'm not saying leave your bf. Have a talk with him. Let him know how important it is.

My fiance Chris I and will have been together 8 years this July. We got engaged New Years Eve, 2011. Almost 7 years together and he finally proposed. He had a belief that a couple had to be together at least 5 years before they got engaged, I know, that doesn't make any sense but I couldn't chage his mind. You can bet that I harrassed him from the very first day we made 5 years. Anyways, we will be getting married next year in July. Thats kinda funny too, I'm the one that had to postpone it till then. He wanted to get married this year, haha!

There must be something at the root of this. Its such an important thing to you, he really should be willing to make you happy. A long talk is what needs to happen between the two of you. He really needs to understand how you feel about it. Getting married doesn't change a relationship. Its the people in it that make the changes. They make it work not matter if your married or not.