Friday, November 18, 2011

It's Complicated - Part 2

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Happy Friday Friends!

I have to say that I’ve been a bit apprehensive about sharing this.  I’ve been afraid that somehow the Mister’s mom would come across my little ‘ol blog and read this and then hate me forever.  But you know what?  These are my feelings and everyone is allowed to have feelings right?  Right. 

I feel obligated to stay…

Like I said in my last post – I thought this was temporary.  But I apparently our definitions of “temporary” are different.  

Radical #1 was born in April of 2008.  I continued to work and I felt so lucky to have the best babysitter in the world, Miss Connie Lou over at Island Buzzy.  She is awesome and I trusted her.  She put my day-care paranoia at ease because let’s face it, who doesn’t have anxiety and fear of having someone you don’t really know watch your kid(s)?  I have major paranoia. 

Then I got pregnant with Radical #2 in 2009 and I also lost my job (crap!).  Raging hormonal pregnant lady…that was me.  I never prepared for the worst and the worst was happening.  Losing my job meant losing my income and benefits so yes, I had a meltdown.  

I finally came to my sense (having a meltdown wasn't helping anyone) and went through my options.  I could easily find another job and all will be well in the world.  But I was informed that my beloved babysitter was no longer available.  Cue another meltdown.  Because remember, I had major daycare paranoia.  

Then I had the bright idea of moving back to Kona.  I had more resources there and I had babysitters there.  It was in fact the perfect plan; I had jobs, babysitters, and we would be closer to family and friends.  Why didn’t I think of this sooner?  

Oh, because I forgot about this house!  “What’s my mom going to do about this house?” was the Mister’s question.  Honestly, I felt like that wasn’t our concern anymore.  What we should be concerned about was how we were going to support our family.  Up until I lost my job, I was the one with the steady income.  Don’t get me wrong, the Mister is a hard worker but he’s in the construction industry and work wasn’t really stable.  I was certain that he could find work in Kona but the obligation we had to his mom and this house was on the forefront.  

Yes, I felt crappy for putting a halt on what she was doing but I also felt that I had to think of my family first and the situation we were in.  There was another option: the Radicals and I could move to Kona while the Mister stayed back to take care of the house.  But I really didn’t want to separate my family on his mom’s behalf.  Why should my family have to suffer because she’s not ready to come home?  But the reasons for moving didn’t matter and all they could think about was this house.  

So I sucked it up and looked for jobs and daycare here.  I found some jobs but the reality was that I would be working just to pay for daycare.  What’s the sense in that?  And so I began my journey as a stay-at-home mom.  It made me very nervous that the Mister was taking over the financial part of our lives.  

I was no longer in control.  The first year was financially difficult.  Scraping coins, deciding which bill was going to be paid and which ones had to wait, and just stressing out on how we were supposed to live.  It was hard to budget with a sporadic income.  It was tough and it tested my patience like never before.  I became depressed and bitter towards the Mister.  We were constantly arguing and I just couldn’t help it when awful things would come flowing out of my mouth.  Things like “you and your mom put us in this position!” or “if you and your mom weren’t so selfish we wouldn’t be having this conversation so it ain’t my problem!”  

I started to realize that instead of being a snappy witch, I should have been more positive and encouraging towards the Mister.  My crappy attitude wasn’t helping him or our situation.  I have to say that this situation and the years to follow have brought us together; it’s made us stronger as a couple.  We’ve lived it, we’ve learned from it, and now we’re moving forward…as a family.  We’ve grown, we’ve changed, and we have a better outlook on life. 

So maybe I shouldn’t say I feel obligated to stay but more so, I feel it’s best for our family to stick together.  In time, things will start to look up.  After all, this is life and nobody said life was easy.    


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