Thursday, December 22, 2011

The one time where I wanted to kick myself…

…for asking such an asinine question.  It was in fact a foot-in-my-mouth moment but there was no turning back.  And maybe if my body wasn’t so complicated I would have never been in that situation asking such a question.

My body is so not portioned correctly that I have the hardest time finding clothes.  Everything from tops to dresses to pants. And the hardest article of clothing?  Shorts.  I can’t find a decent pair of shorts to save my life.  Well maybe if I looked hard and long enough but I don’t have the patience for that.  Anyway, I’m 4’11.5”.  My thighs are like thunder thighs which I’ll blame on my hula and cheerleading days of the past.  My rear is as big as a….I don’t know what to compare it to but it’s huge.  Then there are my hips that seem to have widened after I had my radicals.

So I come across shorts that fit my hips, rear, and thighs but they are too long.  Like right above my knee too long but not to where I can pull it off to where it’s supposed to look that way.  Then I come across shorts that are a perfect length and they fit my hips but the rear and thigh part is way too tight.  Like if I sit down they will rip too tight (ha-ha!).  Then I come across the ones that fit all around but they are way too short.  Or maybe I feel like they’re too short and doesn’t feel right because my thighs are so darn huge!

Okay, back to my story…the mister decided that it was time for me to give up the 2 pairs of shorts that I’ve had for years and get some new ones.  New ones without holes.  New ones that I could wash and not worry that they’ll fall apart in the wash.  New ones that I could wear in public.  I had to mentally prepare myself before going because I really do hate shopping (gasp!).  Yes, I hate shopping for myself but it could be because I can never find anything. 

I decided to go to Jeans Warehouse (ugh!).  I haven’t been in there since my younger, partying days and I cringed when I walked in.  It’s just that after having 2 kids my body isn’t the same.  I haven’t lost all my baby weight and everything seems so saggy.  And their clothes are just not my style anymore but what the heck, I’m there for shorts.  I go through all the racks of shorts and that’s what they were: short.  I mean rear and va-jayjay hanging out kind of short.  Yikes!  I grab a couple in hopes that it wouldn’t be as short as it looks on the hanger but before trying them on I did the unthinkable.  I asked the sales girl…

“Um excuse me?  Do y’all have shorts that aren’t crotch-eaters?”

I almost died after hearing myself.  Geez Jenn, couldn’t you have asked a more civilized question?  She just looked at me with a baffled look and said “well, we have shorts all along that wall and…” but before she could go on I said “never mind, can I try these on?”

Good Lord I felt like an ass.  But I found two that fit!  They’re shorter than I would prefer but they’re not really “crotch-eaters” and I can live with that. 

3 more days until Christmas!!  I’m still waiting for one more gift to come in.  FedEx came by yesterday and I was jumping for joy thinking it was my package.  But it wasn’t and I wanted to punch him in the face.  Just kidding.  I’d never do that but I was a little sad.  Oh well, maybe today or tomorrow. 

That is all.

Happy Thursday lovelies! 

1 comment:

Island Buzzy said...

Hi Jenn,

This post made me gut bust laugh..thanks, I needed that! Miss you guys so much, sorry that I have been so MIA! Between working this on line business and Christmas fairs...I feel like I am coming up for air. I have a proposal regarding my accounting..I'll message you to see if it is okay..love you!