Tuesday, October 30, 2012

The post where I'm completely honest...

Hello good peeps!  How have you been?  I had every intention of stepping up my bloggy game but again, I fell off the wagon.  Life, I tell ya….it’s just crazy and I feel like I’m being tested to my limit.  My buttons are being pushed and my morals are really, really being tested.  But it’s weird because in the midst of all the craziness, I can feel a sense of peace somewhere deep down and all will be well…in time.  Although my patience is very thin, I’m still holding on.  I continue to see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I’ve been hesitant on sharing my thoughts for fear that it would ruffle feathers but I realize now that that’s my problem.  I sugar coat things just to keep the peace and avoid confrontation.  I put myself in this chaos and I let it eat at me because I want to keep everyone else happy.  But there's also another part of me that doesn't often make an appearance.  You know that saying if you think you know me, you better think again?  Yeah?   Well enough is enough because I’m currently at that point and for those who really know me will know that if you push me to that point, I will tell you where to go and how to get there.    I’ve had it and I ain’t holding back.

A lot of crap has been going on.  Sorry for being so blunt but that is what it is…crap.  But I’m thankful for all of this crap because good things are coming out of it.  I’ve talked about wanting to move back to Kona many of times to the point where I roll my own eyes when the subject is brought up.  Anyway…

For the past couple of months, I’ve been noticing the toll that our current living situation is taking on my family, especially the Radicals.  Sometimes I feel like a failure because I’m not giving them everything I wish to give them.  I’m not talking about material things.  I’m talking about things like joy and happiness, allowing them to grow up alongside their cousins, friends, aunties and uncles, and grandparents.  I want to give them a head start and pave a path for them as they grow.  I want to be a great influence on them and I just want to give them a happy childhood full of happy memories but also with life lessons.  And it just seems like if I can’t get my own shit together, how am I supposed to give them anything.  I have goals and dreams for them and to be completely honest, I can’t give them anything if we continue to live here.  I feel like I’m stuck and I’m living someone else’s life.  I feel like I can’t move forward with my own family because the Mister’s mom isn’t ready to come home.  My goals and dreams for my family aren’t aligning with the obligations we have to this house.  I’ve tried telling the Mister’s mom that we have plans to move in the near future and she flat out told me “no.”  I’m going to be honest; that did not sit well with me.  I wasn’t asking; I was giving the heads up.  Nobody tells me what I can and cannot do with my life and my children’s lives.  I am their mother and I know what’s best for them.

The crazy neighbors are not helping my mood and thoughts.  It will never end with them because they refuse to let it end.  That came out of their mouths, by the way.  The funny thing is that the issue isn’t really with us.  The issue is with the Mister’s mom and we just happen to be taking the beating for it.  They don’t make any sense and they continue to cause issues.  We went to court yesterday but they are fighting the TRO and they were very adamant on not wanting contact with us.  That’s another funny thing because they are the ones who make contact so…I don’t get it.  And then he said something about pursuing a lawsuit and his constitutional rights.  Am I the only one who can clearly see that these people are out of their minds?  What does he want?  They want to be the only ones who are able to make trouble and we just have to take it?  Again, I don’t get it.  We go back for a hearing at the end of November but I came to the conclusion that no matter what, this will never end.  There’s nothing we can do to make them stop and we just have to roll with the punches for now.  I’ve turned into a paranoid whacko person.  I’m not putting anything past him.  It’s to the point where I sleep with one eye open, I’m afraid to take the Radicals outside to play, and I’m just paranoid that he’ll do something at any given moment like burn my house down or something.  To the point where the Mister and I have the “they can’t burn our house down if we burn theirs down first!” conversation.  Seriously?  That is so not us and we’re turning into crazy people just like them.  This is what I mean by my morals being tested.  This can’t be healthy.  I’m surprised I didn’t go into labor yet with all this darn stress.

So, the Mister and I had a heart-to-heart and we’ve decided to move back to Kona.  It’s what’s best for the Radicals and for the Mister and me too.  But until then, we’ll keep rolling with the punches and do what we need to do.

And now that I got that off of my chest, hopefully I’ll be back more often.  I’ve been slacking with what’s been going on with us (other than the above) and my bumpdates.  Can you believe I’m in my third trimester?  Holy cow!  Yeah, that’s what I’ve been feeling like.  And can you believe that we’re almost in November?  Oy.


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